Things have been a bit hectic for me, between running to my mom’s every weekend, working a bit of overtime here and there, running errands, cleaning the boat and participating in a dear friend’s wedding, a great deal of my time has been taken away. My love is still away and I miss him terribly. With all the things going on to keep me occupied, I still feel lonely and alone. It is a feeling of emptiness that all the busy work cannot take away. But I try to keep going, try to prevent myself from stopping, for stopping means shutting down. I don’t have time to shut down. I don’t want to shut down. It is a God awful feeling of despair. It is a feeling of such loneliness that I feel that if I should die, no one would know it for days and days until someone finally discovered me. Despair. It sucks.

It is not as if things aren’t moving in a positive direction for me. Things are going pretty well. Just as I was trying to decide whether to find a bigger apartment because I’m feeling a little cramped in here, low and behold, my landlord and his partner found a house and are moving in a couple of months. They offered me their living space, which includes the two bedroom house upstairs, the driveway, garage, front garden, backyard and deck. And at a rent I believe I can swing.

I called my love overseas and ran it by him. You see we have not moved in together, and would have real space issues in my current small apartment. We have been talking about looking for a place this summer. Now here it is smack in our faces. A decision. He seemed fine with it when I first spoke to him about it, but a little over 24hrs later, when I called, he picked an argument with me. I suddenly felt my balloon burst. My joy dampened. Is the ball about to drop? Will I continue to live with the uncertainty of where our relationship is going?

I am expecting it. I am expecting to be disappointed. I have learned not to expect a lot lately. He is going through something of a mid life crisis. What was a passion just a few years ago, has faded a bit of late. It depresses me. It frustrates me. It saddens me. He is truly the love of my life. My soul mate. I would be crushed to say the least, if things did not work out for us. But he has to make some choices. Some hard choices. I am not as confident about what he will choose as I once was. I feel like I am suddenly on the outside looking in. It is a strange feeling. A lonely place. It is mostly why I am feeling this negative energy about me. I am a worrier. I project. I can be overly sensitive. It is a major character flaw.

But I’m also noticing how hostile people have been in the past few days. While walking with a friend of mine to get lunch today, we both noticed the hostility. Drivers yelling at pedestrians trying to cross the street with the light in their favor, people shoving on the lines at the food-court, police rushing to the subway because of a fight down at the platform, etc, etc. What’s gotten into people? Even the traffic agents wrote parking tickets to some of my coworkers parking with permits in their windshields. There is an air of negativity out there. Like an infection that is spreading from person to person. There should be an antibiotic to give people to change their dispositions around. Zoloft perhaps?

I must shake this feeling loose. I must bring myself back from the edge of this ravine. I must walk into the sunlight.

Yes. I will move into the larger house upstairs. With or without him. I know that it will be good for me to have more room and more windows. It will be wonderful to have a separate livingroom, dining area and home office. A place to paint perhaps. Lots more room. I know that by myself it will be tight for a while. But this too shall pass. I will do what is best for myself, as he is doing what is best for himself. I will continue to pray every day that he will come with me. But what ever will be will be. It will be okay. I will survive. I will keep pushing forward.